daring to Be...

I knew it would come...it happens every time...that moment of utter despair that everything in your life has changed and you wonder if it will ever feel like home.  I had almost believed that I wouldn't have to go through it this time, but I think deep down I knew better.  It always comes in that moment when I am completely alone and realize I don't know what to do with myself, because I don't have a normal.  Then, the tears come and I long for places and people of familiarity.

So...it happened tonight.  And, as painful as it felt, I had an epiphany.  This meant the process had begun.  I am grieving the last remnants of my past life to make room for the new one.

God has been busy this past year, doing a remodeling job on me, to prepare me for such a time as this. So I will grieve when I need to over the life I've left behind, because I know the One I sacrificed it for is so worth it!!

"I'm waving goodbye to my pretty little life
Taking your hand and crossing that line
Daring to leave the old me
Shout it out loud, I'm not ashamed
Diving in now, and so not afraid
Hello to all that You see
And everything You made me
I'm daring to be!"

*Taken from the song "Daring to Be" by Natalie Grant

a day with the Royals...

My fascination with the royal family began in February of 1981, when I first heard about a lady named Diana and a prince named Charles.  My eight year old mind was whirring with all of the thoughts of the upcoming royal wedding.  So, when the big day arrived, it was no surprise that I was up at 4:30 am to watch the glorious event unfold.  I sat all by myself, while my family slept, and watched what I thought was a fairytale come true.  It was more than my child's heart could have hoped for or imagined.  

Well ... we all know how that story ended ... more like a nightmare than the fantastical daydreams of our youth.   Yet, in November 2010, an announcement was made that caused a huge media frenzy... the engagement of Prince William to Catherine Middleton.  My attention was once again caught and I have been anticipating the coming nuptials, as much as any British subject.

There was much pomp and circumstance happening in our house to prepare for such an important day.  First, I made sure that I had my DVR properly set up to record the royal nuptials.  Technology has advanced quite a bit in the last 30 years and so I did not have to get up before the sun to watch this wedding.

Secondly, I made a recipe of scones to nosh.  Royal weddings can get very long and you must have the proper nourishment to maintain your stamina.  Who am I kidding?  I just wanted something yummy and British.  This was my first attempt at making scones and they turned out quite delicious.  Click here to link to my food blog, Vertiginous Chef, if you would like the recipe.

Thirdly, I dressed in my absolute finest for the big event.  Ahem ... do pajamas count?  Well, I wanted to dress in my finest.  I was definitely inspired (convicted), while watching all of female guests arrive, to do something about the sad state of my wardrobe.  Genevieve, however, was in high style and would have fit in quite well with Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie.

It has been a fun day ... full of romance and royalty, beautiful clothing and pageantry, soul stirring music and vows of love.  As I tucked Genevieve in bed tonight, we talked a little more about the day's events.  I took a moment to tell her that the Prince and Princess had to work really hard now to keep their marriage strong ... that marriage was fun, but it was also work.  She looked at me and said, "I don't want to get married.  I want to stay a little kid and make [Easter] eggs."

My 3 favorite things about the wedding:

#3 The choir

#2 The kiss!  The kisses!!

#1 Rt. Rev. Richard Chartes Bishop of London's homily (which I've included, just in case you missed it)  
I was a bit saddened today to see a lot of negative comments posted by friends on my favorite social network about the wedding.  There was a lot of comments about their choice of vows, about the pomp and ceremony, and about how much "to-do" was being made over the whole event.  But that is the point of it all, isn't it?  Every woman wants to feel like a princess, especially on her wedding day.

"The bride, a princess, looks glorious in her golden gown." Psalm 45:13

How wonderful that an institution that is ordained by God and steeped in the mystic of the trinity was lifted to a place of honor today.  What a wonderful example for the world.  Their story seems to be one sewn together out of mutual respect and affection and I truly wish them the best as they continue their life together.

keep Going...

Blessings abound...even in the midst of troubled times.  I have found this to be true so many times during the last few months.  I am at peace with our current situation.  Granted, that doesn't mean I like it, but I am at peace.  I don't find myself questioning why it happened.  What good is that really?  It's not going to change anything and finding out the human WHY might make me spend too much time with one of the enemy's greatest weapons:  WHAT IF.  It all boils down to this:  God is in control...and I'm not.  Even in my weakest moments of distress and deep longing to be settled somewhere (really, I'm not picky at this point), I look around and see blessing after blessing after blessing.  God's abundant provision is EVERYWHERE.

One of these greatest blessings is my children.  They keep me going whether I want to or not.  They are little comedians that live among us and provide much needed comedic relief.  Here are a few of their latest antics:

Genevieve:  "Mommy, I'm so sweaty.  I'm hotter than a girl in church." (point of reference: "The Princess & the Frog")

Carter:  "I've got to do my exercises and work off all of that playing outside."

Dawson:  "Be careful...that is scalljing hot!"

There are so many more!  These moments are always provided at just the right time to lighten the mood and lift our spirits.

"Our mouths were filled with laughter...The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy." Psalm 126:2a,3

Mainstay Farm...

I love the fall and all that goes with it...the cooler weather, the changing leaves, the colors, the smells, the food...you get the picture.  Nothing says fall, to me, more than a pumpkin patch.  Being new to the area, I began looking for a local farm.  I was disappointed to find that the only pumpkin patch in our town was located in a parking lot.  This was not exactly what I had in mind.  So, I put my detective skills to use and went to my favorite website:  www.pumpkinpatchesandmore.org.  This is a great resource for finding pumpkin patches, corn mazes, hayrides and fall festivals in your local area.  (They also have links for pick-your-own fruit & vegetable farms, as well as Christmas tree farms.)

After taking a quick geography lesson of the Big Country, I found the perfect family farm just south of Ft. Worth.  Mainstay Farm has been owned by Jim and Marianna Wilson since 1989.  The farm got it's name because the Wilson's look to God as their "mainstay" and desire to share His love and abundance with everyone that visits.  They have hay rides, a 3-story tree house, jumping pillow, mazes, playground, a hay-play and jump barn, 100 ft. super chute slide, pedal kart race track, face painting, a gift shop and PUMPKINS.  We packed a picnic lunch and played all day.  The kids each got to pick out their own baby pumpkin and we brought home an orange beauty for the big day a few weeks later.  It was lots of fun and definitely a place we would like to visit again.

**Double click to watch in full-screen.

rootin' tootin' Fun...

In early October, our family got to visit the Texas State Fair.  It was like a lot of other fairs that I have been too... there were rides, vendors, food, shows, new innovations, and livestock.  The main difference with this fair...it was TEXAS sized.  This had to be the biggest State Fair that I have ever seen.  I felt, as I walked it, that it went on for miles.  Most every fair I have ever been too could have fit into a small corner of this one, with room to spare.  The only downside to going to a fair is the cost.  Everything is run on tickets.  And try as we might, we spent more money than we intended too.

A very dear friend of ours, Phillip (or as I have affectionately nicknamed him, Phird) was vacationing in Dallas from Florida.  So, we made plans to meet him there.  This proved more challenging than any of us knew, due to the high volume of traffic and the sheer number of entrance gates into the fair.  But, all finally came together and we were united with Phil and the fun began!!

The kids started our adventure by riding some racing cars that were FREE!  We had no idea what a big deal this would turn out to be...

The kids each got enough tickets to ride 2 rides a piece.  There was much debate over what they would choose.  But Genevieve and Dawson both knew what one of their choices would be...the center piece of the fair...the Ferris Wheel.

I was a bit nervous about them riding such a HUGE ride, but they were excited and this picture says it all...they had the time of their life.  Carter chose to stay planted firmly on the ground and I made the "sacrifice" to stay with him.

Mr. Phil treated the boys to a ride on the haunted house.

The pinnacle of the fair for me was the Pee-Wee Stampede.  A rodeo made up entirely of kids.  Carter was the only one who "qualified" to participate, because of the age limits, and I thought that he would be too shy to join in.  But, he stepped right up, got a number pinned on his back and donned a pair of chaps and a cowboy hat.  He looked so cute!!

They had several events that the kids participated in:  bronco riding, steer roping, barrel racing, and bull riding.  Carter was part of the bull riding group and the last to have a turn.  They gave him a "stick bull" and put him in the holding pen.  When it was his turn, they opened the gate and I could hardly believe my eyes!  My shy little boy melted away and he rode that pretend bull like it was the real deal.  I've never seen anything like it!!  It's one of those moments, as a Mother, where you say, "Where did that come from?!"  He did an amazing job and won the event trophy, to boot!!

Here is a video of the grand and glorious event.  You will have to excuse the woman screaming in the video...that would be a mother who was overcome with awe and wonder for her tiny cowboy.

We ended our day by visiting with the firemen who were outside our exiting fair gate.  They kept the boys busy, while I tried to help David find me, after he came back from taking Phil to the airport.

It was a hot day and a more costly excursion than we anticipated...but it was full of smiles, friendship, new adventures, and surprises.  It was a great day at the Texas State Fair!

waiting in the Noise...

I have 3 kids, so things can be noisy sometimes.  Let me rephrase that, I have 3 kids, so things are noisy most of the time. There are times when David and I both forget this fact...like when we get on the phone, or get in the van, or sit on a church pew, etc.  This can be challenging at best and frustrating at worst, but none more so than when we are trying to have a conversation.  There are at least 10 or so interruptions for super important requests like: juice, snacks, gum, snacks, have you seen my ____, snacks...you get the picture.  Then there are the wars that break out and the peace treaties that must be negotiated and enforced 3 times before everyone is settled.  And my all time favorite is where a child walks in between both of us and just starts talking, as if he/she is completely clueless that we were speaking to one another.  Needless to say, we have learned to hold most important conversations until the children are in bed or watching a movie.

I say all of this not to complain, although it does feel good to vent from time to time, but to make an analogy.  This is what my conversations with God have felt like lately.  I feel like I am talking to Him over immense noise and I can't quite make out what He is saying.  David and I have both been praying for clarity on the new direction that God wants for our life.  We have prayed for doors to be open and doors to be closed.  We have definitely gotten some closed doors.  So much so, that we are sadly feeling like staying in Abilene might not be a possibility anymore.  But, then there is this one door.  An unexpected door.  A door to a place that we didn't contemplate, nor would we have even thought of...but a place that our paths have crossed before.  And it oddly appears open or at least God has decided not to shut it yet.  David and I have an unexplained pull toward this door.  A lot of things in our life seem to line up for "such a time as this".  So, how much of this is Him and how much of this is us just putting our own reasoning and desire on the situation?  And that is where I hear the noise...

I know that the noise will eventually fade and the answer will come.  Maybe that is what I am afraid of...what if it is not the answer that I am longing to hear?  What if it is?  Until then, I will wait...

²⁸ Do you not know? 

   Have you not heard? 

The LORD is the everlasting God, 

   the Creator of the ends of the earth. 

He will not grow tired or weary, 

   and his understanding no one can fathom. 

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary 

   and increases the power of the weak. 

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary, 

   and young men stumble and fall; 

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD 

   will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; 

   they will run and not grow weary, 

   they will walk and not be faint. 

Isaiah 40:28-31

Toothless...

As I said in my last post, the past 3 months have been very busy and full of lots of life changes.  One of those includes my youngest son, Carter, loosing 4 teeth.  Yes...4 teeth!!  He has pulled them all by himself, with no help from either parent.  That is a HUGE feat coming from our worry-wart child.  He was afraid to pull them and afraid that he would swallow them in his sleep at the same time.  Needless to say, the Tooth Fairy has been very busy coming and going from our house.  We even heard a rumor that she had to take a second job to pay for all the teeth!!  

Out comes the first tooth.  He was so proud of this moment.  I however, felt the brevity of the moment...one giant step away from childhood.

Then 12 days later...out came the second tooth!  For the time, whole apples where a thing of the past.

During Christmas break from school, he lost both of his front top teeth.  The last one came out the night before my parents left to go back to Florida, so they got to experience this big event with him.  We, of course, could not help but sing, "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth, my two front teeth, my two front teeth..."  He endured it well and looked absolutely adorable doing so.  There is just nothing like a snaggle-tooth grin.  I think it's a sweet gift from God.  A brief glimpse of their "baby-ness"... before they have a mouth full of too big teeth that remind us of the bittersweet journey of growing up that is ahead.

Silent No More...

It has been way too long since my last post, but with the events of the last 3 months I guess that is to be expected.  I know some of you have been waiting for this post...and in some ways, so have I.  But, I think it may be different than anyone, including myself, expected.

To say that the last 3 months have been a journey would be an understatement!  But you know...I wouldn't trade them for anything in this world, because that journey has brought me closer to the One who really matters.  So, this is probably where you are expecting me to talk about the specific catalyst that brought all of this on...that earth-shattering event that changed my life.  And, a few months ago, I thought that this post would be all about that; but, this is where I am taking you and myself to that unexpected place.  If you know me at all, you probably already know what has taken place in my life and if not...feel free to ask...I'm not ashamed or trying to hide the facts.  I have just learned so many things through this experience and that is what I want to share with you. 

1. "God is sweet like that!"  My friend Laurie coined that phrase and I have learned that to be true!  God cares about me...and we're not talking about just the BIG things in life, but even down to the smallest detail.  Not 5 minutes after David came home with our "news", my friend Karen called me.  She said, "I just felt like I needed to call you."  Every time I have been anxious, He has done something THAT day to lift my spirit and calm my fear.  God is so mighty and yet He so tenderly and sweetly cares for His children.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." I Peter 5:7

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" I John 3:1

2. He's got it!  I have to admit...I have been slightly deluded.  Get this...I actually thought I was in charge of my life.  Oh, I "knew" about the concept of God being in control, but...you know...I'm here...He's there..."really God, I've got this."  Boy, did He have my number!  Beth Moore tells the story about her beloved pointer dog that would go into full point every time he saw a squirrel, while she and her husband, Keith, were out for a walk.  Keith would have to pick the rather large dog up, turn him 180 degrees and then they could continue.  I feel like that is what God has done in my life.  I was fully pointed one direction and God has picked  me up and completely turned me around.  He used a very unconventional method, but make no mistake...it was God that was behind it all!

"The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord." Proverbs 16:33

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure." Psalm 16: 5

3. There is One greater!  The very foundation of my life has been shaken to it's core in the last few months and yet I am still standing.  But I am here to tell you that it is NOT because of me.  There is One that is greater than me...greater than anything that this world can throw at us.  We are not alone!  "Every time you're in a tight fist of fear, remember you're in something much tighter." (Beth Moore) Isaiah 49:16 says, "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands."  God is holding us so tightly that we leave a mark on His hands!!  That doesn't mean that my situation stops being scary...there are times I still fall to my face in tears begging for resolution...but that means that there is One that cares and loves me and has the power to see me through.

"Be strong.  Take courage.  Don't be intimidated.  Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you.  He's right there with you.  He won't let you down; He won't leave you." Deuteronomy 31:6

So, there you go...everything I learned in 3 tidy points.  I am a minister's wife, after all.  All joking aside, there are too many things to list that I have learned and experienced...that would take another blog and an entire lifetime to complete.  Plus, if I know anything about God, this is just the tip of the iceberg.  I'm going to be pulling life lessons out of this experience for awhile.  Here is what I know for certain...I am here "for such a time as this" and I am ready to reach out and touch the golden scepter of my King and accept the destiny that He has in store for me.  "And if I perish, I perish." (Esther 4:16)